The Last Chicken Fight
by MaceWindovahkiin117
Summary: Peter and the Chicken finally end the lifelong feud between them.


Peter opened the door. Outside was the same old Quahog, Mort picking up change, Bonnie with some guy, not Joe, of course, Quagmire watching Peter's house, for some reason. Even Cleveland, recently moved back in, was outside watering his garden. Peter looked around, when suddenly he heard a voice.

"Why do you keep doing that? It's more annoying than that time you ran out of toilet paper."

 _"Lois?" Peter called from inside the bathroom. "Lois? A- are you listening, Lois?"_

 _"Yes, Peter. What is it?"_

 _"Um, Lois?" Peter apparently hadn't heard Lois speak. "Looiiisss! Hey, Lois? Lois. Lois. Lois." Finally, Stewie decided he could take no more._

 _"Tend to the Fat Man, you Vile Woman! My voice command on my time machine keeps picking up his incessant calling. If I go back in time to your birth one more time, woman, I'll throw up in the past. Then everything would change!"_

 _"Peter? Stewie is crying, now. I've got to go see what's wrong."_

 _"NO! Lois! Lois! Lois? LOIS! Where are you going Lois? LOIS!" Then, grumbling emanated from the other side of the bathroom door. Peter emerged, his gut hanging low like always, his pants around his ankles. "Have to get the freakin' toilet paper myself. What is this? What's Lois good for, she can't get me the freakin' toilet paper?"_

Peter whirled around, and saw the top of a pink hat. "Meg, that was awful. You are _not_ ready for flashbacks. Go to your room." Meg lowered her head and ran upstairs. Peter turned back to the street. Joe was wheeling by, and waved.

"Hey, Peter. Me and Quagmire are going to go hang out at the Clam later. You wanna come?"

"Yeah, sure, Joe. I'll be there." He smiled and went back inside.

"Peter!" Peter heard Lois in the kitchen. He scrambled underneath the couch as quickly as he could. Lois walked into the family room and looked around. All she saw was the couch, lifted a foot off the floor and at an odd angle. "Peter! What are you doing under the couch?" Peter had no hope of escape now. He stood, put his shirt over his head, hunched his back, and spoke in a high-pitched voice.

"Peter? Who's Peter? I'm... uh, I'm... I'm... Ooh! I'm Bonnie!" He inadvertently switched back to his normal voice at the last part, and quickly changed back. "I mean, I'm Bonnie!"

"All I want-!" Lois started. "All I want is for you to give these cookies to our new neighbor."

"Cookies, eh? Okay!" Peter was suddenly and suspiciously willing to help. Lois decided that at least he was willing.

"Here. Don't eat any, okay?" She handed over a container of chocolate cookies. Peter smiled and took it, and went outside. He turned left, past Quagmire's house, and found the new neighbor's house. On the way, he unconsciously ate the entire container of cookies Lois had given him. He knocked on the door, and someone opened it. It was the giant chicken he had been fighting for years. He narrowed his eyes, and the chicken did the same. Before he could throw a punch, though, the Chicken backed up and spoke.

"Whoa, whoa, hold it! What are we even fighting about?" Peter thought for a moment.

"I... I think it had something to do with a coupon, maybe?"

"A coupon? Wow. You know, I don't want to fight you anymore. You nearly kill me every time. Once, when we ended our fight at the Space Station, I was cooked. A guy ate me. This flesh is rubber."

"And, the coupon isn't even a big deal. If I wanted to save money, I would have, when I won the lottery THREE TIMES! Here, I brought you some cookies-" Peter realized he had eaten them.

"It's fine, I-" The Chicken ate one of the crumbs. "I- That was great. I'm going to kill you!" He lunged forward, throwing punches rapidly. Peter gave ground until he had reached Cleveland's house, where he picked up his friend's shears and stabbed the Chicken with them. Cleveland was gone, now, probably inside for some water or something. The Chicken pushed Peter, and he must have knocked out something vital. The front of the house collapsed on top of them, and Cleveland, with his bathtub, slid down to the ground.

"No no no no no noo!" Cleveland yelled, landing in the grass. "Why are my shears bloody? That's nasty. Then again, maybe it's just tomato. Although, tomato juice is rarely that red. Maybe I've got a bad tomato. Well, when life gives you-" Peter and the Chicken burst out of the rubble, punching each other. Peter landed a kick between the Chicken's legs, and followed it with an uppercut to the face. Joe wheeled over.

"What's going on-" Peter grabbed the gun from Joe's holster and shot at the Chicken. He rolled aside, though, and the bullet ricocheted into Peter's knee. He fell to the ground and began rocking.

"Sssss, ahhhh! Sssssss, ahhhhh! Ssssss-" the Chicken got up and punched Peter in the face, sending him rolling back toward Cleveland's house. Peter found a shard of his bathtub, and stepped forward, intending to stab the Chicken. The Chicken, however, had Joe's gun, now. He shot at Peter, but missed twice. By then, Peter had slashed his across the chest with a piece of the bathtub. Finally, the Chicken seemed too tired of their little game. He simply laid back.

"Now," Peter said, "to finish you once and for all! The only surer way than physical harm to kill someone, is THIS!" Peter pulled out his smartphone, and the Chicken was horrified to find that he was streaming Glee on Netflake. He writhed on the ground, but was mesmerized, and couldn't stand.

"Why would you do this?" He screamed, hoping for the episode to end. But when it did, another was already on. "Why are they singing 'Don't Stop Believing' again? They're not even doing the background music right!" This was like torture for the Chicken. "They even managed to ruin Neil Patrick Harris for me! Why? Why? Why?" The Chicken repeated the word, slowly drifting away until he was just mouthing it silently. And finally, once and for all, he died.


End file.
